A lot of people have used that with reference to me. I can understand that. It seems like I don’t really listen sometimes. Those closest to me can get a little annoyed with me and I don’t blame them.
On some days my mood is completely unhinged. I might want to hear someone’s voice in my ear one day and want to be as far away from them as the world would allow the next.
Some days I get a little disoriented. I might even have moments where I forget what I’m doing or where I am at the very moment. They are short instances, but they happen and I never know when they will. I just close my eyes and try to STOP thinking so the channel will clear. That works for the most part.
Some days I’m so wildly impulsive and angry and I’m only further frustrated by my inability to understand why… especially when it happens on a day that is otherwise a good day…a great day.
The best that I can do is stay to myself, try to give a little of an answer as possible that my instability might show itself to anyone else.
Some days, I’m niagra falls. Some days I’m the Sahara. Thats outside of my control as well.
I can’ forget to take the medication, but the medication can make me forgetful. I have 3 alarms and 2 friends just to make sure I take it. I’m trying to ween myself off of it and it causes more sideeffects. We need to try something new instead but you can’t just decide from one night to the next to change what you take. There are side effects.
Somedays I feel like a slave to the drug. I don’t look like a zombie so its not like anyone would actually know.
Right now, the best things I’ve got going for me are work and the pursuit of my home. For some reason I’m able to focus intensely on those two things. I’m having trouble drawing again. I just take a deep breath and close the sketchbook and say to myself…”it will come when it comes so don’t force it.”
Somedays I can read for long periods of time. And sometimes I open the book and after the first few words I close it because I know I won’t remember what I just read. The short term memory I take care of at work because I write everything down just in case I miss anything.
New people love me right away. My first impression is always great because thats the real me…. very sweet, kind, friendly, giving, outgoing, talkative, insightful, willing to learn, willing to share, committed and well-intentioned.
The rest of this…”some” of these days….I’m so far from myself and I have no choice but to be accepting of judgements passed on me. I can’t wait to have my own home. No one but me. Its the best situation until I things are right and I’m well. Tomoorrow I’ll be angered or saddened, irate or weepy by this blog post. I just don’t know. I only know that today, I don’t feel much at all.
