Chelly’s Inferno… just a lil’ one.

April 7, 2009 at 2:32 pm (oh Chelly!)
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I keep forgetting to return The River (a book which theorizes that mistakes made by world-renowned scientists may have caused the spread of AIDS in the Congo) and an intro to Atheism.

Sometimes I think to myself, can you imagine if St. Peter is sitting up there in heaven waiting for me to come and meet the maker I don’t believe in….just ITCHING to let me have it…

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(Silly harp music)

St. Peter: “Hey Michelle. Why its lovely to meet you finally!”

Chelly: (Inspecting her surroundings) “Oh WOW! Hey, how’s it going…old..dude!? Yeah!

(skeptical of her host in this new and very BRIGHT environment)I’m sorry, so who are you? And where the hell am I?”

St. Peter: (chuckling haughtily) “Ahhhh yess…..Hell. We’ll get back to that in just a minute. So! Who am I, you ask? Well, I’m the “old dude” you know best as St. Peter.”

Chelly: “St. Peter? Oh word? WOW. Thats… exciting. Truly. Well, Pete, no offense but I just thought all …this was a christian thing.

St. Peter:: “Yes, well in a way.”

Chelly: I’m not christian. And I don’t get that anyway. Those people showed up way late in the game. Humanity was around longer than that. Plenty of other religions and gods prior to your holy crew so what gives?

St. Peter: (muttering to himself) “I know she’s not trying to give ME an anthropology lesson!”

Chelly: (still talking)”So if your really St. Pete, then this must be the “pearly gates?”

St. Peter: Uh-huh.

Chelly: That would then mean that your supposed to read my life out of some book and tell me whether or not I get a golden ticket to The Notorious G-O-D (feat. JC) concert. Right?

St. Peter: Yep.

Chelly: Aaannnd if I DON’T get in, then its a one-way ticket straight to the basement with John Milton?

St. Peter: (thoroughly annoyed) Look kid, I know you get it, alright? Heaven, hell, me, JC, the Notorious G-O-D and all that other good stuff is manifesting itself in a way so that you may understand whats happening to you. On a side note, if you think homeskillet by the ninth gate is going to look like Al Pacino, I’m telling you now, you can forget it.

The truth is you can’t grasp everything there is to actually know because your not a scientist or a philosopher or even a nun for that matter. And even they don’t get the whole story ANYWAY. Consciousness, quantum mechanics, angels and demons blah-bl-blah blah, ok? It all means jack now. And do you know why?

Chelly: (monentarily pensive) No, Pete. Why?

(Harp music record scratches to a halt. The scene begins to rattle intensely like an earthquake. The hinges on the golden gates begin bending and coming apart. Disasterous organs and booming horns EXPLODE thunderous music signaling the apocalypse rendering FORTH! Chelly grabs onto St. Peter’s white robes shriveled in fear.)

Chelly: Holy shiit Pete! What the-w-what the fuck!? What have I done wrong?! Why is this happening?! WHY!?

St. Peter: (Now surrounded by reddish light, taking on demonic form, voice is maniacal, pure rage echoing) Bitch you owe the NYC public library!! YOU DARE to have overdue books?! Now you will BURRRRN!!!

Chelly: WHAAAAAAT!!?

St. Peter: It will be fiery pits of GUILT and despair for you for the AUDACITY of your EVIIIILLLLLL!!!

(Red lights disappear. Loud music stops. Harps begin again. All abruptly rewinds back to “normal”)

Chelly: Jesus Christ, what just happened?

St. Peter: “THATS RIGHT! Honestly, girl. What idiot would risk going to hell for all eternity just because she’s too lazy to take back a couple of fuckin’ books? Oh and by the way, please don’t take the lord’s name in vain, ok? NOW WAKE UP!”

(Chelly snaps back into the waking world and off the couch she slumbered on for the past hour. To the ground drops all the mail she had managed to leave on her lap. The overdue notice from the library laying atop the pile.)

Chelly: Hell is a collection agency….figures.

END SCENE

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Randomly

January 23, 2009 at 4:29 am (oh Chelly!)
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Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose up to 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you…

1. I’m hanging up my Anti-Telepathy Girl suit. I’m done with other people’s thoughts. It only brings me unneccessary grief and stress. Fuck it.

2. Be a little more selfish. You only have one life anyway.

3. I’m going to travel, read, and speak my mind with less fear and restraint. In fact all this time, fear and restraint has only managed to garble my messages and lead to me speaking “out of my ass.” It doesn’t mean to become thoughtless as well.

4. Jazz and blues and are so awesome! Some of my happiest moments recently have come from listening to it. Its even better LIVE!

5. I’m ok with living my life without religion and the belief in a god. I’m still learning to be ok with being called an atheist but I still have a little reservation. Afterall, the word “atheist” represents the definitively negative (non-belief in a god, not a theist). I like the newer, more positive term “a bright.” And no, calling myself “a bright” would not mean that I think I’m smarter than you. =/

6. I keep myself extremely busy and I like it that way. I have darker, irrational tendencies that I still work through and filling my life with production and as much self-propelled positive action keeps me sane.

7. Write your thoughts down all the time. Don’t think about it while your writing it. Just read it later. Astounding!

8. Owning my own home with the next dream I will accomplish. I think I’m managing this endeavor SO well and there is a lot to be proud of.

9. Hot Chocolate is better than coffee. This is a new development. However, it must be severely regulated. Its also much more fattening.

10. Documentaries are remarkable tools for education and the internet is fertile ground for its distribution. Be aware of the information and maintain a willingness to research sources of evidence.

11. I love my cell phone. Its so cute.

12. Hats were once reviled. Now they are among my favorite accessories.

13. My father is in New York and I’m so happy about this.

14. President Obama? Secretary of State Clinton? So weird to be able to say that. I hope it all goes well.

15. I’m better at saving money than a lot of people.

16. Coming up with this suddenly feels rather silly. How random is it if I had to work hard to reach 16?

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Shorter Than A Blink

October 1, 2007 at 3:01 am (oh Chelly!)
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Shorter Than a Blink
Infinitesimally small
It encompasses all that is, was, will ever be
Everything and nothing at all
And yet ever outside the scope of my imagination
The closest capable realm to its conception
There is perhaps still an infinite sea
More of these
If only for a moment,
A glimpse, I quixotically venture out
Trying to conceive of that kind of vastness
And as soon as the moment comes it passes
Shorter than a blink
A knowledge only God could know
A dream I try to dream
But always eludes me

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Friday Night In the City

February 28, 2005 at 11:41 am (The Litterbox Confessional)
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Its 3am. and I just got home from a night of walking around the city and chatting it up with Lauren. Strange how you meet people you can totally connect with in a place like the internet. Then again, these days the internet is commonplace.

Two cups of coffee, six cigarettes and 4 miles in 20 degree NYC weather while yapping about our geeky internet lives and various life tragedies and its time to go back home. Fucked up as it sounds, its actually kinda comforting to know your not the only one who’s been through life’s hard knocks.

We say our goodnights and part ways (hope she got home ok) and its time to catch the D-train, dredding that damn transfer to the A-train at 2:30 in the effin’ morning in the middle of Harlem w/ a $100 i-pod shuffle the size of a winterfresh beating Led Zeppelin at your ear drums. No? What? No more uptown service? FUCK! Now I gotta walk out and west 2 more blocks. May as well. I get to take the A-train straight home after all.

Eighteen minutes later and I’m finally allowed to swipe through (damn effin’ metrocards!) and I board the A-train safe and sound. These days its hard to nap on the way home. My shuffle (known from here on out as “Clementine”) around my neck keeps me on my toes. Nobody is going to jack my shit with out a fist in the eye. Can’t be too bad though. I look around and there must be seven of us jack-asses with white headphones. Apple’s making a killin’ these days I tell ya.

So I stare at the billboards as the train zips by. “The Jacket?” Oh yeah, we agreed that we’ll check that flick out next time around.

What the hell is that? I keep seeing billboards w/ my childhood female cartoon characters from shows like The Flintstones, Jetsons, and Scooby-Doo. Wasn’t paying too much attention but it had to be some hair care product (even though Wilma’s new “do” looks pretty awful even in the “after” pic, lol) Then I spot another one. Some idiot vandalized it with a sharpie.

  • *in bold caps: “WILMA IS A WHITE TRASH BITCH”
  • in small font w/ parenthesis: “Thats JANE JETSON you fucking dingbat!”

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Respect the white line!

February 28, 2005 at 9:38 am (The Litterbox Confessional)
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Crossing the street, minding my own business during my lunch hour I was blissfully listening to my lil’ shuffle (affectionately named Clementine) playing “Interstate Love Song” when all of the sudden, “SSSssscccccccccccccccreeeeeeeeeeeeechhhh!!!” 
I don’t know, but that whole thing about life flashing before your eyes is utter bullsh*t because all I pictured was Scott Weiland’s head exploding. *shrugs

When I came to half a second later, I realized a taxi cab almost ran me over. The sh*t that pisses me off is that I had the right of way. And whats worse?! HE gets mad at ME and speeds off after I continue walking across the street. Before I could shake my fist in the air and swear him off to kingdom come, a most unexpected (and pleasant for me at least) suprise! A cop car comes out of no where and the sirens start blaring. I’d have done my little ipod-shuffle dance right there if it hadn’t been for the fact that the next song was “Stairway to Heaven.” Not exactly victory-dance material, you know?

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Miss Crankypants

February 27, 2005 at 7:30 am (The Litterbox Confessional)
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Taking a sip of coffee at 10:30a on a Thursday morning. I’ve got a teeth-sucking, disgruntled operator to my left, a clunky compressor machine farting burnt rubber scented stink to my right and somewhere off in the distance behind me are the sounds of a child’s muffled screams, vainly staving off the dental drill with all its maniacal revving. F**k, I let it get cold again. This is going to be the third time I have to nuke the f**ker.

Sitting here makes me wonder, how the f**k did I get here in the first place?

Worse still is having to listen to some of the corniest, snappy comments of the passer-bys I don’t exactly work with. I consider it part of my job qualifications to successfully avoid participating in most daily interactions with them. The best thing I’ve learned in the past few months at this place is how to appear busy while typing nonsense. I’ve gotten very good at it too. I would be proud of myself… if that were the kind of thing one should be proud of.

Normally, I’m alot more pleasant than this. I’m sure you’ll realize that as you read later entires. That is, if you haven’t ho-hummed by now and clicked on the little “x” at the upper right hand corner of this window. Sorry about that. This particular mood must be because in the back of my mind I haven’t solved the greatest mystery of in my life at this very moment.

 

Whats for lunch?

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Catbox, I’ll bring you back!!

February 25, 2005 at 3:22 am (The Litterbox Confessional, Uncategorized)
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I had a little blog once, years ago.  Its name was The Litterbox Confessional.  I’ve been considering bringing it back in a sub category, maybe.   It was such a catchy name, but I like WordPress better than Blogger.com.   Its just that it takes so much effort to go ahead and start another account just because I can’t get rid of the oh-so prosaic “Chelly07’s Weblog.”

 

What was I thinking?!

Well, this was my little hook:

Welcome to The Litterbox Confessional. Care to feast your eyes on some nonsensical brain farting? Ever wonder why you can’t keep your eyes open when you sneeze? Did it ever cross your mind to test and see if its true that scorpions committ suicide when fed drops of alcohol? Me either. Its all splendiforously craptastical. A not-so-great escape from the terrifically boring mundanity of your job. I mean if your reading this…it must be, right?

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